"When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, 'You're either going to love yourself or hate yourself.' And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things."
There is a picture of a woman in my head. A beautiful, happy, delightfully joyful woman. She is slim and trim but muscular and curvy. She has perfect hair. She has no wrinkles. She is a perfect mother whose kids adore her. She runs a successful business and has makes killer business decisions......everyone one of them a winner. She plays musical instruments well because she makes time to practice them. She plays board games with her kids everyday. She has meaningful coffee talks with her husband every night. She makes family decisions that protect and provide for her families well being and future. She goes to bed up early and wakes up early. She makes every meal from scratch and every meal is mouth watering gloriousness. She's just flat out wonderful, this woman in my head.
Here's the interesting part. She has my face. BUT......it doesn't look like the face I see in the mirror. The face in the mirror is older and crinkles when I smile. But the face on the woman in my head is young and gorgeous. And even more strange.....her nose is a little smaller than mine. Her eyes are a little bigger. Her Face a little more round. Her hair is has auburn, ringlet curls that fall around her face that make her look angelic. She really is a knock out.
Another quality of this lady in my head is how perfect her body is. No cellulite, people. None. Her legs are long and lean and sculpted. Hips curvy but small. Her waist is about 22 inches and she also has lovely, long fingernails that she doesn't have to pay for.
My goodness. Who is this vision of perfection??
In theory......she's me. I've had this vision of myself as I SHOULD be for years and years and years. And yesterday I was bemoaning my aging sagginess that just doesn't measure up to the lady in my head no matter how much I work out; no matter what I eat or don't eat; no matter what I read; no matter what I do. I just don't measure up.
And, then I had quite the epiphany.
Have I EVER looked like that? Am I trying to measure up to what I USED to look like or what I WISH I could look like? Because, if you read the above description.......I don't look like that! I have NEVER looked like that. Yet.....I strive Every. Freaking. Day...... to be her.
So......what the heck???
It sounds silly, but I all of a sudden realized.......I'm trying to be someone who is not me. Someone who doesn't look like me AT ALL. Someone who has NEVER looked like me. I've pretty much been taking God's blueprint of my body (and my personality, among other things) and tweaking it to make it perfect and then waiting for him to tell me how to make it happen. What???? How the heck could I possibly make my legs longer??
The lady in my head keeps me down. She makes me depressed. She makes me discontent. She makes me dissatisfied. She makes me a worse person. She hurts me. She makes me want to give up. She makes me work so hard at a impossibility that I spiral down and down and down.
I've decided.........I don't like her. And I've decided that I don't want to be her any longer. I want to be me. I want to look in the mirror and WANT to be THAT person. The one with the long, pointy nose. With the smile crinkles. The one with puffy, somewhat wavy, lightish/darkish brown hair. The one with baby-birthing hips (which I never appreciated until I was able to pop a baby out in 3 pushes!!). The one with the tiny eyes. The one with the cellulite (okay, that's a lie from the pit of hell. I freaking hate my cellulite).
This is going to be a challenge, people......this saying goodbye to the lady in my head. She's been there a long time, tormenting me. But, she's going. It's time. It's time to be the person in the mirror. Not the perfect person in my head. There's nothing mystical or magical about me. Nothing at all. But, I want to like myself. I want to let all of this go. I just want to be me. I'm ready to be me.